“All my cousins are making a good amount of money. My batchmates have been selected in prestigous universities. My neighbours are super clear on what they want to achieve. And here I am, waiting for my appointment letter to arrive with my dad super disappointed in me, my mom thinking of me as a lazy spoilt brat and my little brother thinking that my life is pretty cool. All right, I accept it. Maybe I am the only one who has her entire life messed up. Maybe I am the only one feeling too ashamed and embarassed to go out in public.
But! Hold on. Its Halloween the day after tomorrow and maybe some cute little friendly ghosty might arrive to help me. Well, I know that sounds weird. But……………….Anyway I have enough people in my life reminding me what a careless and clueless person I am. And let me not be one of them.”
Namaste wonderful souls. I welcome you to this post where we are going to talk about shame and embarassment. I feel ashamed because I am not working in a prestigous place, I am not aiming for a selection in a good university for further studies, I am not doing anything which comes under the traditional definition of being successful.
But I will tell you something. I have been appointed for a job in a small town which offers me a decent income, I have been listening to harsh statements by my family members and the whole time I have given my best to be kind to myself, I have faced the worst of my fears and earned a respectable job, I pray each day for even those who hurt me, I am enthusiastic about Halloween though I have very little money left in my bank account, I am taking care of myself by not pushing myself to the point of emotional breakdown and I am learning to draw firm boundaries to ensure my peace of mind. Now all these things I wrote about dont really matter, do they? Unless your life looks shining and glossy to the extent that it appeals to all those around you, you are not allowed to feel proud of yourself. I believe thats how the society functions. And thats why, peace of mind has become so rare today.
I am really busy these days. I am busy taking care of myself. I am busy meditating, napping, writing, reading, listening to audiobooks, watching my favourite shows and so on. Yes, I am really busy. And yes, I do get paid for self care. I feel lighter and more relaxed. I dont feel frustrated as self compassion is paying off really well. I am learning to practice loving kindness and heal my pain.
People dont remind you of how well you are doing. They dont praise you for the good that is in you. They see your faults and failures. They see your wrong choices and weaknesses. But they never ever see the real you. The one who is doing it all so well.
If you feel ashamed and embarassed, there is no need to fight that feeling. We are not here to deny our true feelings. But there is also no need to dim your light. There is no need to stop loving yourself and you certainly do not need any proof or reason to love yourself. The desires of my heart are placed there for a reason. If I wish to take things slow, work at a particular job, not dive into any university, sit and read more often, these things are my choice for a reason. I choose to honor the desires of my heart as long as they are healing me. I dont know what is best for me, I really dont and I can never know. But I do know one thing and that is also the title of Gabrielle Bernstein’s bestselling book,” THE UNIVERSE HAS MY BACK.” As Gabby says, I put my hand on my heart and ask myself,”If I knew that I were fully supported by the universe in all that I do, what would I do?”
And the answer is a faint whisper which says,” I would never allow anyone’s doubts and disappointments to ruin the love spell that makes me fall in love with myself.”