Healing the pain of self-loathing

Lets face it. We all do criticise ourself at so many times. We judge all our actions and very often our inner mean girl comes out all of a sudden. My inner mean girl shows up everytime I am feeling low. Here is what she said today,” Just look at yourself. Look at your hair. You need a haircut. You look awful. And why arent you visiting the parlour? You look miserable.” It felt really sad to hear this as my financial issues hadnt left any time and savings to care about my looks. All I was concerned was about feeling good on the inside.  But my inner mean girl wasnt content with that. Well, truth be told, she is never content with anything.

Just as I was listening to her, my inner voice or my divine self spoke up, “It hardly matters that you havent been to the parlour since nine months. It makes no difference that you havent had a haircut for the last two years. What matters is that you spent these last nine minutes without loving yourself. Its not the parlour-maid who grooms you. You groom yourself  by accpeting all your flaws and loving yourself fully. Its not the new cotton saree which makes you look pretty. Its you who chooses to shine your light in the midst of all darkness. The only thing that matters is how much you care for yourself. And you care for yourself by being kind to yourself and then in the light of that kindness, all judgements shall dissolve.”

Ever since my teenage years, I have disliked my body for several reasons. Though I never really disliked how I looked, I hated the fact that my body was far more hairy than I thought it should be, my hair were too thin and dull and above all, my skin was super dry. I simply hated it when the ladies in our neighbourhood would touch my hair and say how lifeless they felt. I really felt uncomfortable wearing skirts because my legs were too hairy and visiting the parlour wasnt always possible. As for my skin problems, just when I had convinced myself that my dry skin at least saved me from all the troubles caused by pimples and acne, there was a teacher who said,” You know that dry skin looks really good and clear in your younger days but as you grow old, your face shall have the worst of wrinkles.” Surely, that broke my heart.

Now, years later I realise that I never truly loved my skin. I felt miserable as the dryness made my skin excessively sensitive to wool leading to all sorts of allergies. I felt unhappy as I longed for those thick black hair they showed in television commercials. That was the trouble I had been enduring for so long.

Gratitude doesnt need a reason to support itself. I am grateful for my dry skin because…………….I dont need the because. Put it in the trash can. I am grateful for my skin and my adult-boat-candle-265823hair. I love them and adore them. I dont need a reason to love myself. I love my house because…………….I dont care why. I just love it. When something really miserable happens or when I am feeling really low, I say,” thank you.” I mostly dont understand what I am thankful for in such times of misery. But I choose to believe that its all happening for my good.

No matter how miserable life is, even if you have lice on your hair and your skin is burning with eczema, you are beautiful my love. Why? Dont care about the ‘why’. You are a masterpiece of the universe. There is no other “you” in this universe. Your skin, your hair, your body, all were designed by the creator just for you. Nothing is wrong here. Its all perfect. And remember, that the entire universe loves you.

Published by Kairavi Kaul

Namaste my loves. Do join me on my journey to embrace the healing power of nature and love to better our lives and fulfill our dreams.

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